die, dead, hell.

Looking at you makes it harder,
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry - Already Gone, Kelly Clarkson.

I can't stand it, I can't stand it. I can't, anymore.

January, February, March, April, May and June. Six months gone, six months left. It had been so long, too long yet I still can't believe it. Can't believe that someone who used to love me so much, had changed so much. I kept on thinking nah, it's fine, it will definately end in a happy way. But what if it wouldn't? No one made a step, what if until when he's gone, nothing happened. Then, he's really gone. How about me? I couldn't imagine how it would be, him not there anymore. I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE. I thought when I get the chance to talk to him, everything will be fine. But no, it seems like he don't even wanna talk to me. I thought he loved me and he would come back like how he used to every time we had arguement, but no. Is it because I've hurted him too deep, and so he turned back and stab on me once? I couldn't believe it, still couldn't believe it. I told myself I should move on, I shouldn't ruin his life anymore. But why I still wanted to search for his shadow everyday? Why am I so desperate to hear his voice or see his sweet smile, listen to his laughters? Why? I DON'T UNDERTAND. I wanted to grab his attention, and I don't know why. I kept on thinking of stupid ways to hurt myself, just to grab his attention. WHAT FOR? And what I gain? Only more pain. And why on earth should our memories stay in my mind? Every night, I was haunted by nightmares, who can get me out? It's terrifying. Darn it, why does everything and every places I go reminds me of him? WHY CAN'T I JUST GET A GRIP? I used to think that this year would be a great year and I will spend everyday with him. If he'll leave, as least we had great memories together. But WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? We were that close, but now ... so very far. WHY ARE THE IMAGES STILL SO CLEAR IN MY MIND? EVERYTHING HE DOES. WHY? Why I couldn't stop thinking about him just for one second and make everything clear? Because he doesn't love me anymore. Why should I cry every night for a person who doesn't even cares? HELL!

Stop, stop, stop the stupid tears from wetting my cheeks.

Guess I'll never be able to get him out of my mind. Never, guess he'll be my best memories until I'm blind-folded. I love him more than I ever know.

Do you remember you wrote before Az loves Giina saying that let the whole world knows and you don't wanna change?
Do you remember that rainy day that my umbrella knocked your head?
Do you remember we sat on the floor and you told me you had chill when you wanted to hold my hand?
Do you remember we walked around and around the school and you told me you had one year and nine months left?
Do you remember we sat together so close in the library and laughed because we said the same thing at the same time?
Do you remember you wrote before My Love for Regina is great than everything and I can never live without her?
Do you remember the two silly people standing in the middle of the road, and you gave me the necklace?
Do you remember that how stupid I was that you need to help me and teach me how to eat?
Do you remember that one day you kept on asking me what colour I like the most?
Do you remember how much you misses me last holiday?
Do you remember that the last day under the bridge I showed you the watch and I pointed the words 'I Love You' ?
Do you remember how idiot we were singing through msn?
Do you remember the one phone call I was able to make last holiday and for the first time ever we talked for 20 minutes?
Do you remember I got touched when I received the chocolate during Valentine Day?
Do you remember we used to splash water at each other during the rainy days?
Do you remember how much you hated about the nightmares you had last holiday?
Do you remember that you dedicated Stick With You to me?
Do you remember that day how happy you were after seeing the present on your table?
Do you remember how badly I cried because you did not tell me that you were leaving?
Do you remember you promised me that I'll see you in navy blue pants and long sleeves shirt?
Do you remember once I got sick and you sneaked out of class to say goodbye to me?
Do you remember how happy for the first time ever we sang together?
Do you remember you called back just telling me you forgotten to say 'I Love You' ?
Do you remember everyday I used to wake up early just to chat with you in the morning?
Do you remember you always ask me 'do you still love me' ?
Do you remember how you used to love me?
Do you remember me?

full stop.

I can't deny, I still love you
and you'll always be my baby.

out of balance.

Yada yada, exam's over. But I don't feel the excitement or any special feelings I used to have when the nightmare is over. Maybe because I'm still figuring how to live through the next holiday?

Pathetic, hopeless life.
Even my friends seemed like didn't want to bother anymore, and turn away everytime I mentioned about it. (is it me again?) Fed up, fed up on myself. Why should I suffer for a person who doesn't ever care? Why should I cried all night long just only because of that little distraction? Why does damn nightmare keeps on horrifing me? Why can't I just get a life? Why should I even miss your smile, your look and your love? Why should I ever know you? Why do I still love someone who used to tell me he love me more than I do? Why, oh why? I'll never be able to make it. And the damage will be permanent and irreversible.

there's nothing else i can say.

Why can’t things be like how it was meant to be?
Why can’t things be like how it was used to be?

Went to Carrefour yesterday to do some grocery shoppings and checked out the prices of the food as a preparation for the PRS Course. Unexpectedly, I met wai sum there too. I was working on the art project for the rest of the day. In the end, I managed to finish off 11 pages, 8 more to go.

Watched American Idol for the first time ever (I suppose?) The Top 5 show was awesome. All of them, Allison, Danny, Adam, Matt and Kris were oh-so good and I couldn’t guess which of them will leave the stage. My jaw was hanging in the air when I saw Danny’s and Adam’s performance, super duper brilliant. Allison was the only girl left in the show, cheers for her! I couldn’t believe it either when Adam was at the lowest two. He was so great man. But then, thank god he wasn’t the one to leave the show. It was Matt who left, oh well. Hitz fm is giving tickets to fly to Los Angeles to watch the grand finale. Anyone wants? I was thinking LA is so near to Mexico won’t people be afraid of the H1N1 flu?

Talking about the H1N1 flu, I was sort-of afraid that day when I over-heard that there is one case in Malaysia. Luckily it wasn’t. But then now, there’s one case in Hong Kong already. Omg, omg. I expect it coming in to Malaysia, soon. So people don’t go so much to crowded places and see the doctor if you’re not feeling well and got fever! Wash your hands often and cover your mouth and nose if you’re sneezing or coughing.

Oh yeah, please don’t use the word swine flu anymore, it’s not the pigs’ fault people. I watched the news that Egypt actually killed pig to avoid this disease. Oh my god. It’s the bacteria of a sick human and a sick chicken got mix up with the pigs’ DNA. (Sort of stuffs like that) Not the pigs’ themselves that causes this! By using the word swine flu, everyone was horrified of eating pork now. And then the market will get even worst. It’s H1N1 flu people.

Except all the stuffs I mentioned above, I’m suffering from stress the whole day man. I was worried about this and that. Exam’s coming soon. Don’t need to mention I haven’t touched a book yet. And then the projects are needed to hand in one by one. And at last the PRS Course. Oh god, oh god. How to distress?

Lately I’ve been thinking about the things that we’ve been through. - Still There for Me, Vanessa Hudgens and Corbin Bleu

the sound of a broken heart.

You said it wasn't me, the one you mentioned in your blog. Yeah right, tell me how am I supposed to believe that crap? Proof it to me. Yes, so I am the too sensitive girl who cares too much about you! oh holy shit. Alright, who's the other girl then?

I'm tired of all these things. It had almost been half a year, 6 months, 180 days. Time are all wasted. Quarrellings, fightings, arguings. After all the stupid mistakes. In the end, everything is still in a mess. Sigh, you promised me ... Oh well, I really want ... Sigh, nothing. I don't know how to say. Do you realize .. ? Ugh, I'm just so stupid!

Tonight, you got me sad and blue.

...

Your words are like swords, too sharp for my heart to handle.
Since when did I said I was mad at you? Since when did I said I was angry at her? Since when did I said I got pissed off? Hey please, I know you're not mine alright? I hate to say this but I hate you, a lot at this point.

people changes, so do you.

You didn't mean it baby when you said forever and always.

)’: )’: )’: He, she, I, you, we, they don’t understand me.

Darn it. I’m crying like shit right now. I don’t know how to explain it either. I really need a shoulder. And I hate my life right now, everything is just so wrong. I felt like ending it anytime. Oh yes, that would be great. Even though I know that shows I’m a coward – never wanted to face the truth, face the problem, never. Even though I know I’m useless, helpless, I never did anything. I’m really totally fed up with my attitude. No one can help, no one will either. But then, I was disappointed by you too. I thought you’ll understand after you know the truth. Yet, everything seems like got even worst. You changed so much, it’s like you don’t care anymore.

… …

They said I’m getting out of control, wild and so on. Rebellious would definitely be suitable for me isn’t? Yeah, yeah, so whatever. I didn’t do anything wrong or bad, it’s just a gathering. What’s the big deal? Why will it end up me locked up forever? Anyone can set me free? It’s my fault for rising up my voice, I admit. But then, I’ve been putting all the anger and unhappiness inside me for such a long time. Sometimes I may have became impatient and explode or whatever you say. I know I have a lot of activities, so what. That isn’t a bad thing, and I did not neglect my studies either. And yeah, I really felt like saying this in front of them – it is PMR year, so what. Why are exams and studies so important in their eyes? Wtf. Why they never think about how I felt? Why, why, why. Why can’t I just have a little of my privacy and freedom?

Sigh. I promise to myself, my kids won’t live in a world like I had.

oh my god.

God, just let me lost my mind.

Can’t believe it, can’t believe it, can’t believe it (x10) everything happened so fast, just in a flick of time. I was standing way high up on the elevator. My group mates – yan ling su ming pui kei and mern jo were helping me all around. They were supposed to throw me to the front and I’ll fall in their arms. So, I didn’t move, I trusted them and let them control me. But, the next second I heard a loud thud and I was on the ground.

I stunned for a few seconds, because I fell to the ground and my head hit the ground so very hard. Suddenly, everyone surrounded me and hugged me so tightly. Weird because I felt nothing – not even a bit of pain, but tears burst out. The others thought I was really in pain, and couldn’t stop rubbing back of my head, asking do you know me, etc.

Ee ring told me that su yin also fell down and knocked her head once. She didn’t felt anything too after she fell, but at night her mom called and she was in the hospital. omg, omg. Hopefully that tragedy won’t happen to me. No-no-no, I don’t wanna die at such young age whey.

I was thinking I might lose my mind or either die when I fell, but strangely I wasn’t afraid at all.

[/edit]

It’s either you be mine or I’ll be yours.

Az, I’m really sorry I disappointed you. I still have a lot of things unable to speak out today when I’m in front of you. I reacted too quickly. And it’s like everything I said is not supposed to be said, everything came out in the opposite way. I walked away too fast. I should listen to your opinion first. Don’t just agree with me, I’m sure there is something you wanted to say too, right?

Az, I wanted you to know that I’m not okay at all for this one month and eleven days. I didn’t purposely pretended you don’t exist, I wanted to because I was hoping that it would help me to forget about you easier. And I wanted to forget about you because since that day you threw everything back to me, I thought you’ve forget about everything and you’ve gave up.

Az, I thought about being back friends during this one month and eleven days too. But, I was really afraid that the same thing would happen again. You know the main reason why we’re unable to be together now, it’s because we’ve lost contact – we don’t have that much time being together and my own problems, I couldn’t solve problems face to face and I makes you felt like you’re just a friend of mine rather than a boyfriend. So, what’s the main point when after being back as friends and then be in a relationship, and everything repeats again? Crossing the border line will only make things worst.

Az, I know I’ve been giving you that cold look and just walked passed you every time I see you. I didn’t wanted it too, I wanted to just look at you and smiled like how I used to. But, I’m afraid you too might give me that cold look or maybe worst, acted like I’m invisible. It will only hurt me more, so I thought why don’t just remain in this status even though it’s still hurting me, but at least it won’t be that bad.

Az, I miss you and yes I still love you like never.

God, please choose either make me lose my mind or make the sun come out once again.

omg, thank god.

We were that near, yet that far.

)’: I woke up today morning and forgotten that my waist was hurt. It took double of the time for me to get ready to go to school. Even changing clothes was that painful, omg. No need to say that, walking up to my classroom almost killed me. 4 floors doesn’t seem so difficult for me usually, but now … ugh every step is like … ah!

Oh yeah, I don’t even dare to laugh too much. But naughty naughty xiang ting can’t stop making me laugh by laughing me, laugh-out-loud. Sometimes when I really can’t stand doing everything so slow, I will start to count beat: 5, 6, 7, 8, 1, 2, 3, up. And then I’ll gather all my strength and bravery and do whatever I one. Yes, in the end suffer from serious, serious pain lah.

So really wanted to continue practicing for cheering today, but my waist don’t allow me to. Besides that, I’m also very-really-seriously afraid that I’ll be unable to perform during the sports day. Can’t imagine, don’t want to imagine, alright stop. Finally, chose to go for the Chinese doctor.

After one hour electro-therapy (my mind was filled with cheering steps at that time), I managed to walk and sit without any pain. Suddenly, I laughed with joy! The doctor asked me to come for the therapy once again. Then, I will be able to bend my waist once again. Hip-hip-hooray!

It’s like that doctor has magic hands. Well, whatever he did he saved a lot of souls and life. Firstly, I’ll be able to perform and not wasting all my don’t-know-how-many weeks efforts. Secondly, at least ee rin wouldn’t feel so bad for causing me this accident. In the end, green house wouldn’t lose one good cheerleader. Joking lah, I’m just way too relief to be ‘still alive’. Ha-ha-ha.

Some books should be tasted
some devoured
but only a few
should be
chewed and digested thoroughly. - Ink Heart

the long lost heart.

Tell me why, it's so hard to forget.
Don't remind me, I'm not over it.
Tell me why, I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you ...

I heard the long lost voice, again. It's like pulling the knife from my heart. Painful yet it saved my life. It isn't illusion, it isn't ... But, it's still so hard to believe.

Yes, the only thing in my mind is : you gave up and you let go. If it isn't easy for you, it's even harder for me. Since you threw everything back to me ...

I still remember that day I heard your sound,
I turned and looked you weren't around.

The end of the end.

I felt the smooth wooden floor beneath my knees and then the palms of my hand, and then it was pressed against the skin of my cheek. I hoped that I was fainting, but, to my disappointment, I didn’t lost consciousness. The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under.
I did not resurface …

“Thanks for the memories. Goodbye.” That’s the last word he said. He didn’t even looked at me, but only handed me a bag full of our memories. I was stunned. At that moment, I really hoped that tears can roll down to my cheek, hoped that I can just cry out loud and not even wanted to care about others’ curious eyes staring at me. But, I didn’t. I guess too many nights of crying, the tears are, no more. The feeling was so awful, like you wanted to scream everything out but nothing came out from your voice box.

I couldn’t regret, as I was the one who started this and ended this. He had made his decision, and I have made my choice. There is no U-turn anymore and we’ll have to follow our own path from now on.

Click. Delete. He made things seem so easy. He’s like so heartless, deleting all the memories we’ve been through, leaving them behind. How I wished I can be like him, just click and delete everything, not leaving one left. But I really can’t, guess he have stolen my title being the cruelest person on earth.

Since the past had already passed and nothing can be changed, I’ll just need to move on without him. It will be hard to forget him and my favorite smile of his, but I’m sure I’ll survive through this, I will be fine. And I believe in what Edward said, “ … time heals all wounds for your kind … ” Just like how I’d used to last time, only this time the person was someone who I still loved.

Thanks for the memories. Goodbye, dearest AZ.

breathless.

Such a dramatic and breathless week it had been! I'm just so glad it's over. Oh no, not yet. Aduh.

Best friends arguement are solved, unexpectedly. But I'm really really happy though.

The competition of the class 'terceria' made me gone mad! Seriously, had gone crazy and was so nervous. Asking who-who-who to do this and that, thinking of more and more ideas. Shouting here and there, shut up etc. etc. The first time I got so frustrated. Because today was the dead line! And who knows, the dead line delayed again. Till end of this month, which is next week.

Whether how, was happy because most of our artists are willing to help. And teachers are delighted to see their cartoon-ish picture. Thank you so so much for everything, 3A12-ers! I was the one who gave the idea but without others help, it meant nothing.

Oh yeah, not to forget I've finally got my con. but still didn't manage to put it on by myself. Sometimes, I get mad about it too. Cause my eyes can't open as wide as how it supposed to be. Fed up lah!

Training for cheering are getting harder and frequent now. As the Sport Day is 1 more months and 2 weeks away! Tomorrow going back to school and practice too. But I know it's weird, I still enjoy it a lot! Quite proud of myself everytime I succeed in doing some hard formation or pose. :D

PRS Mesyuarat Agong today was so crowded. Can't even believe my eyes! Whether how, just can't wait for this year kursus as we'll be staying over night! Yay. The numbers of the new members are so many, and they gonna start Ice Breaking next week! heeeheehe.

And I really don't know what to do as it seems like my life schedule is so packed up. 2 more weeks till exam! Help me! Next week, I still need to stay back with Kenny and hopefully can get some donations for the charity. PRS stuff, I wonder why Cheng Li choose us? wtv lah.

Day Twenty-Eight.

I disappointed myself. Yesterday, I'd mentioned I cleaned up my computer's unused things. Disaster happened today. In the morning, I started my computer. The first screen shows that some important files that needed to open the computer is, missing. I stared at the screen, revising every files that I've deleted. Did I ? Did I accidentally deleted that files ? Please, don't.

I asked my father about the serious problem. I don't need to say, got scolded of course. What virus lah, what music lah, so on and so on. He called his friend, someone who knows how to fix this thing. His friend says mostly, the computer has to be reformat. Then, I stunned.

What about my videos?
What about my pictures?
What about those files that are very important to me?

Those things are very very memorable. If they're just gone like that, how? What am I gonna do? I was late, too late I supposed. I should have move the videos and so on to the cds long ago. But I did not do that, until now things happen. I regreted, a lot. Sighed.

Just for readers' info, apparently I'm using my mom's laptop. Which meant, I am unable to online. And then, the song of my blog changed into I Still Believe In Love - Jenny Hyun. If I'm not mistaken, it's one of the twilight OST.

untitled.

I'M DEAD, DIG ME A GRAVEYARD.

You're right, I'm hopeless.

I'm dooooooooooom.

EXAM'S OFFICALLY OVER!

Finally, finally, it's over! I've been waiting this day for one month! God, finally! But, things don't stop after exam, life would be more hectic now, busier than ever. Here's a list of what I'm going to do after exam:

237 messages to reply.
22 friendster request to accept.
11 subjects' result to know.
3 class activities to plan.
1 person eager to see.
1 BIG problem to solve.
1 serious work to do.
1 superBIGfont computer to fix.
1 blogskin to change.
1 goodnight sleep for myself.

Before all those things are done, I'm a dead fish right now.

helpless ):

I'm dying, I'm tired of doing projects! ):
I slept at 1.45AM last night and woke up because some uncivillance phone call at 7o'clock? Some unknown huh, I wonder who's that person who woke me up from my sweet dream. I don't feel like going back to bed and so I forced myself to wake up and continued my project. Urghhhh, now I'm real tired, eye lids are so heavy and I'm still facing a piles of unfinished works!

-
-
-
-
-
-

Darn it, I feel helpless! Awwww. {yawning}

Darn it )':

She is such a useless and scaredy-cat. Really, truely. This is what she told me :

Today morning she went early to do project in the library. She saw the library were so crowded with people, so she did not go immediately. She put down her bag at the racks outside the library and then took out her pencil case, her note book and her file, then put beside her bag. She stand there for a while and then walked to the staircase to wait the crowd over. When she was walking towards the stairs, three malay guys walked passed her, somemore tried to scare her and flirt with her. But she did not care bout them, continue walking to the stairs.

Now here's the climax part, and the stupidiest things she've done, she really think so and admit it! From the stairs, she saw the three malay guy touching her pencil case, she knew they were stealing her things. She stunned for a while and then after the guys took her things, she ran walked over where she put her bag and then checked the things that are missing. That time, one of the thief was just standing bout 4 steps from her, she only turned her head over and looked at him. I repeat: SHE ONLY LOOKED AT HIM! She did not take any action at all! While the other two guys, if not mistaken went in the library. She stood there for a while, then only she went inside and find her friends. When they came out again, the guys vanished into the thin air.

WHY ! WHY ! WHY ! WHY SHE DID NOT SCREAM OR TAKE ANY ANY ACTION ! LOTS OF PEOPLE ARE INSIDE, AS SHE SAID, IF SHE JUST YELL, ALL PEOPLE WILL JUST RUN OUT AND SAVE HER ! Wtheckkkkkkk. Urgh. I don't pity her at all, in fact I think she deserve it! Who called her to be such a foolish person? Letting the thief run away with her things just like that? Although it's only 2 marker pen and 5 to 6 pen, but still, her things could be get back so easily ! Shit laaaaaaaaa.

And you know what? The last thing she told was, her name is Regina Lee.

You and I both ...

NO, honestly I still don't understand. Lots of question marks coming out from my mind. You said you don't wanna let the feeling grow bigger and bigger, and so you ignored me ? If it's like that, when will my invisibilty be gone ? You gonna ignore and ignore, until the feeling is gone ? Did you even thought how will I feel ? Did you knew how badly it feels ?

All the while, I thought it was only myself thinking too much, there ain't any problem bettween us. Thinking everything will be alright, comforting myself. But, now I know the truth, and the ignorance kills me. I hate to be treated like this, I don't want to lose you. I don't care whether that guy is better or what-so-ever, because I just want you back. I don't care who-ever he is, I just want you back.

Even we don't have the fate to be together, we can at least be friend right? It's way better than now, it's not good at all being like this. I'm hurt because you ignored me, and you're hard to get rid of that feeling. So, why be so hard? Why don't just be back normal? And let the feeling to slowly go off, why force yourself? I know, it hurts if you keep that feeling, but now you're being selfish. You wanted to get rid of that feeling, by always ignoring me, and hurting me. THIS IS SELFISH! Why there ain't a better way of solving this? Why this kind of things happen on me?

And now, I only realized you still have a place in my heart, that can never be replaced.