people changes, so do you.

You didn't mean it baby when you said forever and always.

)’: )’: )’: He, she, I, you, we, they don’t understand me.

Darn it. I’m crying like shit right now. I don’t know how to explain it either. I really need a shoulder. And I hate my life right now, everything is just so wrong. I felt like ending it anytime. Oh yes, that would be great. Even though I know that shows I’m a coward – never wanted to face the truth, face the problem, never. Even though I know I’m useless, helpless, I never did anything. I’m really totally fed up with my attitude. No one can help, no one will either. But then, I was disappointed by you too. I thought you’ll understand after you know the truth. Yet, everything seems like got even worst. You changed so much, it’s like you don’t care anymore.

… …

They said I’m getting out of control, wild and so on. Rebellious would definitely be suitable for me isn’t? Yeah, yeah, so whatever. I didn’t do anything wrong or bad, it’s just a gathering. What’s the big deal? Why will it end up me locked up forever? Anyone can set me free? It’s my fault for rising up my voice, I admit. But then, I’ve been putting all the anger and unhappiness inside me for such a long time. Sometimes I may have became impatient and explode or whatever you say. I know I have a lot of activities, so what. That isn’t a bad thing, and I did not neglect my studies either. And yeah, I really felt like saying this in front of them – it is PMR year, so what. Why are exams and studies so important in their eyes? Wtf. Why they never think about how I felt? Why, why, why. Why can’t I just have a little of my privacy and freedom?

Sigh. I promise to myself, my kids won’t live in a world like I had.

oh my god.

God, just let me lost my mind.

Can’t believe it, can’t believe it, can’t believe it (x10) everything happened so fast, just in a flick of time. I was standing way high up on the elevator. My group mates – yan ling su ming pui kei and mern jo were helping me all around. They were supposed to throw me to the front and I’ll fall in their arms. So, I didn’t move, I trusted them and let them control me. But, the next second I heard a loud thud and I was on the ground.

I stunned for a few seconds, because I fell to the ground and my head hit the ground so very hard. Suddenly, everyone surrounded me and hugged me so tightly. Weird because I felt nothing – not even a bit of pain, but tears burst out. The others thought I was really in pain, and couldn’t stop rubbing back of my head, asking do you know me, etc.

Ee ring told me that su yin also fell down and knocked her head once. She didn’t felt anything too after she fell, but at night her mom called and she was in the hospital. omg, omg. Hopefully that tragedy won’t happen to me. No-no-no, I don’t wanna die at such young age whey.

I was thinking I might lose my mind or either die when I fell, but strangely I wasn’t afraid at all.

[/edit]

It’s either you be mine or I’ll be yours.

Az, I’m really sorry I disappointed you. I still have a lot of things unable to speak out today when I’m in front of you. I reacted too quickly. And it’s like everything I said is not supposed to be said, everything came out in the opposite way. I walked away too fast. I should listen to your opinion first. Don’t just agree with me, I’m sure there is something you wanted to say too, right?

Az, I wanted you to know that I’m not okay at all for this one month and eleven days. I didn’t purposely pretended you don’t exist, I wanted to because I was hoping that it would help me to forget about you easier. And I wanted to forget about you because since that day you threw everything back to me, I thought you’ve forget about everything and you’ve gave up.

Az, I thought about being back friends during this one month and eleven days too. But, I was really afraid that the same thing would happen again. You know the main reason why we’re unable to be together now, it’s because we’ve lost contact – we don’t have that much time being together and my own problems, I couldn’t solve problems face to face and I makes you felt like you’re just a friend of mine rather than a boyfriend. So, what’s the main point when after being back as friends and then be in a relationship, and everything repeats again? Crossing the border line will only make things worst.

Az, I know I’ve been giving you that cold look and just walked passed you every time I see you. I didn’t wanted it too, I wanted to just look at you and smiled like how I used to. But, I’m afraid you too might give me that cold look or maybe worst, acted like I’m invisible. It will only hurt me more, so I thought why don’t just remain in this status even though it’s still hurting me, but at least it won’t be that bad.

Az, I miss you and yes I still love you like never.

God, please choose either make me lose my mind or make the sun come out once again.

Sighed.




Maybe I'm really not that special anymore huh.

[/edited]
So speechless. So awkward. So disappointed. So hard to understand. Yet, still so loving it. What am I gonna do in a world that you doesn’t exist? Uh.

[/edited]
Was yelling about headache the whole day. Dad worried that it’s because of the-long-ago-car-accident and head got damaged when I fell down from the car. Pffft. (That definitely have nothing to do with this.) And he wanted me to check with the X-Ray. Bee-baa-boo. Whatever.

Oh hoho.

Whatthefcukdareyousaidthosehurtfulwordsyoursuchabitchyouknowimmagonnacutyouintoslicesand putyouinthewokandburnuntilyourpiercingscreamcanbeheardbynooneyoureapaininmyneckdoyoukno wivebeenkeepinginmyheartforthousandmillionsevenbillionstimewellyouneverknowyouthoughtyoure goodyoureperfectyourewhateveronearthnooneisperfectcantyougetyourassoffinfrontofmeitsreallyirrit atingheydoyouknowwhereishelldoyouneedmetotakeyoutotherealrightishalldothatsinceyoudeservetog otohellicantstandanymoredontthinkimyourlilbarbiedollicanbeyourbestfriendandicanbeyourworsten emyicanstandbutnottoolongorillgiveyoursonofabitchtothemotherfcukinghellyoushouldknowimmapo litepersonidontscreamandshoutatpeoplesearsbutuntilicantstandanymoreiwillsoyoubetterfcukoffand dontappearinmylifeanymoreidontevencareifineverseeyourfaceagainsinceeverythingeverythingisaliea lieeverythingyoudidmakesmewannakillyouandslapyourbitchyfacedontmakemedothatevertoyou.

Please ignore everything above. All those sentences are oh-so-not-true, it's not happening in real life, not happening in reality. I was just releasing all my anger by typing those sentences. Seriously, I don't even know whether those bad words are correct or not, well I'm just releasing my anger that's all. Sorry, for everything I said and I really don't mean a word. And don't ask me what on earth made me so freaking angry that I had to use all my bad words, thanks.

invisibility ?

I can stand no more, tears finally dropped down. Why ? Why ? Why ? Now I know, it's not me thinking too much, it's just the fact, the truth ! And I cannot face it. Don't tell me you did not try and ignored me, I knew you did. I can see it through what you did. You said 'HI' to the others as if I'm invisible, as if you can't see me either. You said 'BYE' to her, even mentioning her name, but not even one smile to me ? Your body has gone, now even your soul too ? When you said 'HEY', how I hope you were talking to me, but I was just dreaming. Sometimes when I wanted to say 'HI' or just smile at you, I don't dare, you know why ? Because I scare when I do so, you ain't gonna give me any respond, I won't get any reply. That will be, very hurt. I don't want that to happen on me, so I don't dare to try.
But, how I hope you could do so .

Forgive and forget ? You only did the forgiving part, for the forgetting part is still a question mark. Maybe you really did forget, you forget by forgetting me, not forget my mistakes. But, it's okay about not forgeting my mistakes, cause I know I did wrong, very wrong, and hurted you badly. If there is a chance, I would choose to turn the time back and not making that decision, I shouldn't just let go like this, I should try and fix it back.

Sometimes I felt like you're a two-face person, when we're chatting through internet, you seems so good and I feel that you're so famillar, you're the one I once knew. But when we faced together in school, you seems totally different, we're like absolute stranger, and the wall between us ? Is getting thicker and thicker until we can never go through.

About my future, my sight are all blurred, I don't know which way to go. I'm only living in a miserable life, life is just not perfect without you. I hate being treated like this, I hate this INVISIBILITY, can't it just get off of me ? Please, can you please talk to me ? look at me ? even just a lil smile ? I also won't mind, as long as I ain't NOBODY in your heart. I really hope, there's still a turning back, back to those old days, days that our laughs and smiles are all true ...

I look at the lights outside,
wondering how are you tonight ?