back to december

We can plan for a change in weather and time,
I never planned on you changing your mind. - Last Kiss, Taylor Swift.

"Hey, Regina you like surprise right?" Sherwyn said.

My brain interpreted fast and I knew it would only meant one thing.

IT MUST BE. NO WAY. IMPOSSIBLE.

Split seconds later, from the corner of my eyes, I saw him. Him and the smile I've missed for a very long time.

"Hairul's here."

And I was on cloud nine.

I never thought that I would have the opportunity to meet him again. And that, was just completely bizarre. My mind went blank, and I try to calm myself down. Tried to breathe normally, as I walked towards him. I couldn't suppressed the joyous feeling inside me. Well, as always.

"Oh my god, I can't believe you're here. Oh my god." A smile lit up on his face. "It's been a long time." "Yeah, June. Or July." ...

Everything I've been avoiding from comes back to my mind once again. Still so fresh. So real. You have totally no idea how much am I struggling inside as we talked casually.

Being away for such a long time and with all the memories or just so anything that can trigger the old time feeling kept and hidden, I've almost forgot how he looks like. I've almost forgot that it was all true. And it's part of my beautiful memories. I've almost forgot how much I had loved him before, more than a human can possibly love someone.

Unable to sustain the conflict in the inner me, I said bye and left.

He walked to our tree. A place where I haven't been, for a really long time. A place where I have been avoiding from getting any near.

I didn't stop turning and looking and searching and finding for his shadow everywhere. I got emotional, then I ran and hid myself.

Did I cry? I don't remember. But I do remember the feeling of hot wet teardrops on my cheeks.

Pathetic, I know.

Unable to fight back the nostalgic feeling, I still headed back to that place, our tree. I looked at the carving made a year ago, it seemed to be fading away. It doesn't look the same to me anymore. All those promises made seemed to be a distant memory. I only took a slight glance, not more than 30 seconds, then I hurried away.

There's a part of me wanting so much to lay my eyes on him again. Where, another part, a stronger one held on, not allowing me to cross the boundaries or perhaps, just too afraid to?

At the end of the day, I didn't see him anymore. I was lost in my own thoughts.

"Hairul came back." I finally gathered up my courage to speak out to my Sweety. "Yeah I know I saw, so what did he say?" He examined my face closely and looked deep into my eyes. "Um. Nothing, nothing much." I replied, nonchalantly.

I presume, there's nothing much left to say too huh?

:')

I had so much, so much to say, I don't even know where to begin.

As we got nearer to the last stop, I slowed down my footsteps. Or rather, not wanting to reach the end. I thought I could hold on to my tears. I thought I was strong. But, as he held me in his arms, I couldn't stand no more, tears eventually wetted my cheeks and it wouldn't stop flowing. I wish all these wasn't happening. I wish I don't need to let go. I wish we can start all over again, I wish time could rewind. I wish that the fact that he's going to leave next Wednesday isn't true. I wish that I would see him again, when school reopens.

I wish for so much.

"To our future." "To more love." Looking at him, cheering with his friends, spending every second like it's the last. No, I still couldn't believe he's gonna leave. I couldn't imagine, I wonder how will his classmates be able to cope up when school reopen, and found an empty seat in the class. Or realizing, a best friend isn't there to laugh with them.

People wouldn't stop coming up to me, asking me if I were okay. I can only nod my head little and pretended everything is okay. But I couldn't hide my sadness and depression. I hope I'll be okay. I hope I won't be trying to search for his shadow in the school and break down realizing he isn't there anymore. I hope I'll be okay soon. I'll live on to our memories till the day I see you again.

But I know it's gonna be harder for him. A whole new life, new friends, new school. He had to face more challenges than us. More tougher challenges, without his best friends, without his family. Yes, clearly it's gonna be harder than what we need to go through. But I know love, you'll be alright, you'll do well. You do well, every time. It's only a matter or time.

I can feel dry tear stains on my cheeks and more coming on. But, we all have to try. It wouldn't be easy, but we have to try. Take care, love.

I love you more than a human can possibly love you. And I'll see you again.

no words.

I just can't believe you're gone

Still waiting for morning to come

Wanna see if the sun will rise

Even without you by my side

When we had so much in store

Tell me what is it I'm reaching for

When we're through building memories

I'll hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made

They can take the music that we'll never play

All the broken dreams, take everything

Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

They can take the future that we'll never know

They can take the places that we said we would go

All the broken dreams, take everything

Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

You always used to say

I should be thankful for everyday

Heaven knows what the future holds

Or at least how the story goes

But I never believed them till now

I know I'll see you again, I'm sure

No, it's not selfish to ask for more

One more night, one more day

One more smile on your face

But they can't take yesterday

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made

They can take the music that we'll never play

All the broken dreams, take everything

Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

They can take the future that we'll never know

They can take the places that we said we would go

All the broken dreams, take everything

Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

I thought our days would last forever

But it wasn't our destiny

Coz in my mind we had so much time

But I was so wrong

No, I can't believe that

I can still find the strength in the moments we made

I'm looking back on yesterday

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made

They can take the music that we'll never play

All the broken dreams, take everything

Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

They can take the future that we'll never know

They can take the places that we said we would go

All the broken dreams, take everything

Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

All the broken dreams, take everything

But they can never have yesterday

I'm lost at words. And the tears wouldn't stop.

but you choose death and company.

Happy in the club with a bottle of red wine
Stars in our eyes cause we're having a good time. - So Happy I Could Die, Lady Gaga

"Nice body shape."

Wow. The first time ever in my life, I heard somebody, a relative of mom's commented that on me. Haha!

Had a terrible, horrible nightmare yesterday night. Imagine, the combination of Transformer and Twilight! Gee, I think I watched too many movies already. Oh gosh.

Besides, yesterday night 12.15am, the poll for the Best Couple Award of the Year finally closed. It had been a tight fight, definitely! Mostly, me and Hairul, Swee Imn and Mun Wei will get a tie, or not one vote of difference.

And so, we are the King of Spade and Queen of Heart, hahaha. Kok Jun said there would be prizes given for the nominees, I'm so curious to know what would that be! Funny as Xiang Ting asked who was the two person who gave Yew Onn and her the pity two votes, lol.

Remember few days ago, the meteor shower I talked about? Hell, it did happened! I read the newspaper yesterday and it really did happened! It was cloudy, but by 4 something if I wasn't mistaken, meteor started falling from the sky. It wasn't just one, but a lot started, it was really the meteor shower. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. 33 years. I'll still be alive by then right?

Mom finally found a studio that teaches hip hop dance. I so wanted to learn, or at least take a look on how people have their lessons on dancing! Dad is ... sort of frustrated on this request. He asked me instead to join my mom in doing yoga. Very funny. I want to learn to dance, so long already. He said learning hip hop, might lead to a dark pathway. Gee. I know, but ... am I that type who would turn into like that? What stripper? God, come on. Dancing is so fun. I wouldn't lose control on that, please. Sighed.

Anyway, tonight is 2012.

And now I'm gone to find a good movie to chew me up. Adios senorita.

destiny and fate, does belong to us.

"It's like we're destined ..."
"And our destiny doesn't end here." A sudden thought flashed over my mind.

You wouldn't believe what happened to me. Not to say you, even myself, I couldn't believe it either.

I had the best day of my life ever. And I felt like I'm the luckiest girl on earth. I would have absolutely never figure out he had planned something so nice, so different. Unbelievable. What a big surprise, thank goodness it did not freak me out yet. HAHAHA

"I can't bring you out. So I bring out to you."

...

Knock Knock. "Is Regina in here?"

As he leaded me up the stairs, I couldn't help wondering what on earth is he planning to do.

"How am I suppose to walk now?" I was blindfolded and getting excited on whichever gonna happen.
"Hold my hand!" Seriously, it was pretty scary when I need to walk without any guidance. Until he grabbed my hand, it felt like there's nothing to worry at all. Not even banging on the door or falling a step on the staircase.

And I still couldn't figure out.

"Alright, open your eyes."
I bursted out and laughed. "Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!"

As I opened my eyes, I saw a table with a cloth covered on it, with a vase which has a Bougainvillea, a Hibiscus and a Carnation ... Then what laid on my eyes was, there were food on the table! Imagine that. I could never had imagine that. I couldn't believe my eyes and I continued laughing. Unbelievable. I was so extremely happy that I've gone speechless. I was absolutely overjoyed. He is just so sweet. Which boyfriend would ever plan a date in school? You tell me that. (:

I know it's sort of rude but I just couldn't stop giggling. And all his friends were so nice too, to help in this surprise. They were like guarding the floor for us. HAHAHA Unbelievable. This had never happened to me, and I had never imagine it would! Funniest part was when two unknown strangers/outsiders looked in the class and all his friends came in and acted like it was a class party. HAHAHA Unbelievable.

And unbelievably there were musics too! It was so so ... romantic of him to do this, really.

"I can't believe this! We're dancing!" I still wouldn't stop laughing.

As I sat down, he took something out of his bag and suddenly he was on his knees, in front of me! He slid a ring into my fingers. "Just pretend that's me when I'm not here ..." You have totally no idea how extreme extreme happy I was. Even words could not tell!

We hugged and tears almost overwhelmed me. I had never been that happy in my life before. I wished the world would just stop when I'm in his arms. Then I wouldn't need to face the day he leaves. Then we would have forever to spend together. Then I wouldn't ...

Stop. Stop. Stop. This was the happiest day of my life. I shouldn't be crying!

...

Everything, this is all so impossible. I'm so glad you are part of my memories. I had never regretted loving you. And I'm so happy that I belong to you. I know that you will be back. And till that day, I will never stop loving you, Hairul.

...

Had three games of Cluedo in Multimedia room. I did not won, yeah because Kar Yee was there. *laughs* Later, watched The Ugly Truth, which was really really nice! Partly because of Hairul was placing his hand on my shoulder and I was laying my head on his shoulder (: Anyway, the movie was absolutely hilarious. I wonder what happened in the end, too bad I had to leave!

And there goes my happiest day in life. Tomorrow is the last day of school already, 31 hours to go.

and so before everything started.

During the last day of drama rehearsal.

Truly we were suppose to be rehearsing. But Kar Yee found out a string from no where and we all started playing silly games with it. And in the end, we only have only half an hour left to rehearse.

"Wen Cai, why are you squeezing my ball!" shouted Clement, following by a roar of laughters.

And also Hairul's birthday. I wonder if this would be the last time we could celebrate together.

I still remembered last year at this time, late night, I was still working on Hairul's birthday present. The Bottle of Happiness, I called it. *laughs* I remembered how I used to ask people to help me in collecting as much as possible friends of his to leave down their wishes on the lucky star papers. He didn't know a thing about it until his birthday. I left the present on his table during recess, and I saw the overjoyed smile lighten on his face, I couldn't help smiling. I was just so glad, he love it.

This year, I did something different. As Hairul is leaving us soon, I decided to make a video out of his friends' wishes for him. It was seriously difficult. First, not everyone comes to school that often anymore. And people are just so busy nowadays that I hardly see them around! Still luckily, I got most of his close friends and and the cutest among all of them is Suzy, Suzanne's sister! :D

Everyone crowded in front of my laptop. Suzy was the first to wish him, later on David Cook, his favourite part and so on with the others' wishes. I could see he was really happy, I was just so glad, really. Then, an urged of sadness and depression hit me, and I ran and hide. I know this sounded so ridiculous isn't? I even feel like laughing at myself now.

I'm gonna miss him a hell lot. I don't know how to go through that, yet. I couldn't imagine that one day when he wouldn't be in my sight anymore. I couldn't imagine that one day my favourite smile of his, vanish. I realize I love him a lot, that no words can even explain that. I really do. A lot, a lot. Really. Sighed.

Anyway, back to reality. Everyone looked like their tears were going to fall any second after the video finished. I've never really thought the video would have such a big effect, actually. That touching people? I'm glad that everyone enjoyed it, I'm glad that he enjoyed it. I'm glad.

But still,

A really really happy birthday, honey :)

This picture would surely make my day every time I sees it!

A special post.

This post is dedicated to a special person.

This person, is extraodinary. It isn't like he knows to sing high pitch or knowing acrobatic skills. No, it isn't. I have no idea why, he's just un-descriable. That kind of feeling, while walking with him, talking to him or even just looking at him, it's different and it does not happen everytime I meet someone. I knew it a long ago, it wasn't just normal feelings. It definately isn't. At the beginning, it was hard for me to accept the fact. But, I was actually falling in love with him.

This whole year, we been through a lot of things. Sad ones and happy ones. So many so many arguement and tough days we've passed, I'm grateful that we're still fine, we still can talk about the past happily. All those tears and heart broken, is worth for everything right now. He gave me a lot of things, but the best of all is the memories being with him.

He said he'll be gone if he gets full As in next year's PMR. I smiled, acted like I was fine. But, I pretended all along, always hiding my blue face from him. 'Well, you really don't looks like you care.' that's what he said. I care, I care too much that I wanna let myself be the one to suffer, the pain. I guess he never realized, at all. I don't want him to leave unwillingly, at least I still can see him smiling when he goes. I should say, "You looks like you're really hoping to leave." "Yeah of course ... " I was stunned and goes "Oh Well, that's even better." Cause he seems so excited and happy about that. And so, I pretended again, pretend to be as happy as he is.

I was selfish all along. He wasn't mine, but I was like kept on holding him, not letting him to go. As she said, knowing your mistakes only isn't enough. But what am I suppose to do ? Let go, just like that ? I have that feeling towards him, it wasn't like I was fooling him or something. Still, after so many months, I cannot get over myself. I can't say, "YES." I was selfish all along. Finding the right person and have that kind of feeling is not easy, letting go was even worst. I wanted him to find someone to replace me, but when he told me he kinda like accepted another girl. Something unusual happened, I broke down. I was confused, that was the ending I wanted. But, why I reacted this ? This made him feel bad, he can't be with other girls, he was afraid I would be sad; He can't be with me, because of ____. It's like standing on the crossroad, cars are coming from all directions, and don't know which way to go. Should I run ? but if I run I would get hit too. If i don't run, i'll get hit too. So how ? In the end, i'm still being selfish all along.

I cannot predict how would future be, without him. I have no idea and that's why I hate to think about the future. That's why I feel down when I think about the future. It only makes me thinks, the days left being with him is lesser. Whether how, I would still need to get over it, life still have to go on and it doesn't stop because of he's gone. I guess, I would just let the time heals everything.

我爱你woaini.

HAPPY 14TH BIRTHDAY, MR. A-Z !

(: