I feel that my positivity had drained all the way to zero percent. Like, my aura's gone. Direction's gone. And that I've lost my guide. I honestly feel like a living zombie at times.
I won't stop doubting myself. I don't have the drive, the motivation to do, anything at all. I'm just wandering aimlessly on the net.
And I know, these all sound like very lame excuses for procrastinating, for being lazy, for not wanting to do work. But I was never like this before.
At times, I wished I was back during my foundation year, where everything was honestly so much simpler. I guess, perhaps taking up too many responsibilities proved to me one thing, that I'm not that - good, after all. Yes, I've always had the ambition that I can be someone extraordinary, someone special, someone that can achieve things.
But those dreams seem to be fading away, making me hesitant of how exactly did I get to where I am right now actually. Yes, they said "dreams would only work if you do", but what happens when I'm clueless on what I'm doing?
I've had friends that told me before that they look up to me. I wonder, why? Stepping into this second year of my degree had changed me so drastically. The way I see things, the way I do things.
And it's hard, it's hard to admit that I'm weak, that I'm not good enough. I know there are people who had it worst, I guess it's because this is my very first downfall?
I've been telling my boyfriend about this numerous times during the course of this three months, he had his bad days, so did I. I swear, I have never had that many breakdowns before. I understand as well, that it's important to realize other little things that I'm supposed to be grateful of, and to see things in a different perspective. I really hope that I have the strength to get through this hurdle.
And baby, like always, thank you so much for staying. It's been more than 2 years since we've been together, it's still crazy whenever I think about it. I love you, and I am ever grateful that you found me and made me a part of your life.
Love, your sunshine.
