You know, I wonder if there had been times when you felt like the efforts being put into our relationship seemed... unbalance. Like one might topple over at anytime. Honestly, I've been feeling that, for quite a while now. But every single time, when things go back to how it was supposed to be, I just swallow that bad feeling down in me and let it be.
Because, as upset as I was before, I couldn't bear to bring up the topic and ruin the happy moments; or rather, refusing to tell you about it in hope that, things WILL get better.
Which yeah, it always does get better. But the catch is, the cycle repeats and returns and never ends.The happiness never lasts for long, something - something must get in the way, once in a while.
It's like I'm constantly fighting with my inner self. When I get really unhappy, but yet I wanna hide it so that I won't make a big mess out of everything. And the more I keep the feelings inside of me, the more I wished that you would know.
But how would you know when I don't tell you in the very first place?! I sound so, stupid and ridiculous.
I know that honesty is really one of the most important key in a relationship, I agree to that as well, but sometimes it just gets so hard on me. That need to decide whether to be truthful or not.
And I definitely do admit that I worry, a lot, too much. But I never wanted to make you feel like I'm tugging you on a leash, that's the last thing I would ever want - making you feel like having a girlfriend is like having restriction. Maybe because there's nothing much to worry about me, or maybe you're just better at dealing with those dark thoughts, I'm not sure.
Or perhaps, I expect too much from you. I expect you could actually stand from my point of view and understand me. I try to do the same too, that's why I'm always stuck in dilemmas; getting all worried when you're not picking up my calls, not replying my messages, yet STILL not wanting to do anything about it because I don't wanna sound like a worry wart, or like a girlfriend who's constantly guarding you.
It's tiring, but still I don't want the day to come when I just don't want to care anymore. So, please love. I really, really don't ask for much. I get happy even for the smallest things you do, which perhaps can start with .. just, please stop breaking your promises baby. Cause' every time you do, (or you might not even realized you did), it breaks me as well.
From not wanting to make a mess, I feel that now I'm the mess.
