Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011! Is it a little too early for that? Hmm probably, as I’ll be heading down South to Singapore for New Year countdown, I guess I might as well bid goodbye to 2010 a little earlier.
Anyway, looking back at this year, as much as I wanted to deny, I’d grew up a lot. We all had grown up a lot, I say. I’m not talking about physically here, but more of in the sense of mental.
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I’ve been through hard times. Those days after my relationship with my boyfriend ended were blurry. I was devastated, even though I had already spend long time thinking that there might be a chance for the horror to strike, but still, clearly I’m not ready. I broke down, cried my lungs out, gasped for air, struggled to breathe. I wanted him back more than anything else in the world. I waited, waited, and waited. But even my patience has its limit of course, I gave up eventually. I threw all the memories I shared with him and sealed it tightly in a box, swore that I’ll never open it up again. Though I was completely shattered and broken hearted, I knew I couldn’t forget him no matter how hard I try to, I knew I couldn’t hate him as much as I want to. I forgave him despite he stopped believing in us.
Then, I met another guy. I guess I was just so desperate that I couldn’t differentiate between a crush and true love. Why him? I think back now how silly I was on making that decision. It’s just that he’s there, right at that time, you know? I was too lost and I thought I fell for him. Yes no doubt, there had been times when I craved for his messages and his calls so badly, when I get excited whenever he walks towards my direction, when my day just brighten up because of his smile. It does sound like love, isn’t?
But well, love isn’t as simple as that, I found out.
Life was slightly better later then. Cause’ knowing somebody’s there for me always, when I was helpless and things were all wrong, when I was depressed and had no one to talk to, when people’s treating my unfairly and I needed support. I felt slightly better with the presence of him. He was humorous and never failed to make me happy.
Until, the day my ex- came back. That instant I saw him, I knew I never stopped loving him. I was just ignoring the bloody annoying feeling inside my stomach all along. I felt that everything was completely wrong.
I sound like a terrible person, I know. But I wished I wasn’t with somebody else.
We both confessed our hearts out, and finally I decided it’s not right to continue my relationship any further more. It’s unfair towards him, and I spent nights struggling on how to bring out the topic. I seek for my best friend’s advice, she too commented that it’s very unfair, and she’s afraid of me falling for the same person again. I have no doubt, she’s afraid too, that I’ll end up being hurt again.
Finally, on Christmas Eve’s night, I gathered up all my courage and asked whether he felt any difference on me lately. He replied yes and wondered whether my heart that had changed. I spilled out everything then. He was being understandable, still so kind to me at the end of the day. He answered that he’s cool with my decision and had already felt it some time ago. That’s how it ended. No tears, no broken heart, no nothing. I felt the burden vanished right away.
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There were too, times when I don’t feel close to my best friends anymore. I get mad easily for their words as it stung me really hard. When I’m at my hardest time, I blame them for not being there to help me out, for not being concerned of my situation, for not being helpful to lighten my worries and problems. I wanted to scream at their face, but honesty I don’t even dare to rise up my voice a little, cause’ I was thinking about the circumstances. I have no intend, to lose my four years of precious friendship only because I spoke words out of rage and anger, words that I don’t really mean it by heart.
And you know what kind of character I own. I tend to avoid fighting-s and arguments and conflicts, because I’m terrified of facing them. I’m not exactly a person who knows how to speak when I’m in such situations, especially when Malaysians love to say, sorry no cure. I hated the fact that I’m a coward in facing the harsh reality world.
Sometimes I felt like calling my close-or-maybe-not-that-close/best-or-maybe-not-that-best friend, telling her all my sadness and let off my dissatisfaction. I don’t know why but I felt an urge of comfort overwhelming me at the thought of she’ll always be there. Though, of course I never made any calls to complain of all those silly little things, I felt relief, knowing that if one day I’ve really ruin the bond between me and my girls, I still have one friend that I can rely on. And you have no idea, how thankful am I for that.
Nonetheless, I’m glad they’re there. At the end of the day, I’m still laughing and enjoying all my joyous time with them. It is funny how drastically things can change, even in just 24 hours. I try my best to keep them to myself, to hold back, and before I even realized, the resentful feeling will disappeared in no time. Maybe they might not be there for me to count on, all the time, but I still feel content and satisfied of their presence in my life.
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When I was given the responsibility of a leader, I was happy no doubt, knowing, at first, that I have a team of amazing people. With the seniors’ compliments of us being the best, I know the most important thing that held all of us together, regardless of our difference, is the strong bond that had built throughout the years.
Well, that was what I had in my mind right at the beginning. But then, the bond between all of us started to fall and shattered one day. I was petrified. I was afraid that things aren’t going to be the same anymore. We aimed to achieve high and be better than our seniors and we often speak about our hopes, but things doesn’t seemed to work out anymore. Then, I overheard that the bond seemed to have being patched up once again, I was so delighted. One thing I pray for is that the scars that remained wouldn’t do any harm to us again.
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With so much going on, my study was obviously bad. Throughout the whole year, I might as well tell, it changed from terrible to worse to worst. I felt so confused about almost everything, it’s like as if I haven’t learn a single thing. The results were disappointing. I tried to study hard, I knew I’ve revised all the chapters, but the thing is, I don’t really understand them completely. I can’t just focus on one damn subject, so I just have to spilt equally all my knowledge. There’s not enough space in my brain to fill in with all the details, there’s not enough time either. In the end, I didn’t get good grades for any of the subject.
I was such a failure.
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My life of sixteen years old was a mess I can conclude, really. I have no idea what awaits me for the coming new year. But I simply hope I can brave through all the hard time that I’m about to face and that I’ll be rewarded for my hard works. It’s hard to believe I’ve finally reached my senior year, my last year in high school and my big year.
Clinging on, believing, putting in all my trust and faith in the promise we made. Seventeen here I come.
