I'm afraid. I'm afraid to tell you. I don't think I've been entirely honest with you, us. Perhaps we've reached the stage in a relationship when things had settled down, hearts don't beat as fast anymore, and everything seemed ordinary and usual. And you start picking on flaws, imperfections.
I've been wanting to tell you, but I've also been having a hard time looking for a right timing. There never is though, there never will be a right timing. We're always on the rush for some assignments or (already) drowned in emotions, either that or the moments were too perfect that I simply did not want to ruin it.
But I think this feeling has been creeping up to me too much lately, it's getting unhealthy. And I don't think it's fair for me to hide it from you. Cause I sincerely want to work things out. It's not like I'm saying I don't want us anymore, I do.
I don't know if I mentioned this to you before but I feel like we're trying to balance on this uneven see-saw. And it's slipping. It feels like it's about to topple over.
We are different in a lot of ways. Lately, I find myself thinking a lot about what my parents said. I truly hate that because I'm becoming a hypocrisy. But I guess I'm seeing some sense in what they said. Is it wrong for me to say that I deserve the best person that I can be with? Not the perfect person, but the best.
I feel guilt overwhelming me if I were to say those words out loud.
I'm afraid because I know that what I'm about to say will hurt you. And it kills me to do this. It takes tons of amount of courage to do this. But really, the only reason I want to tell you is because I'm still holding dearly onto us and I want things to get better. Because, I know that right now - I'm not ... happy. I'm not as happy as before.
Across these years, I feel like you've changed and the energy, spirit that you used to have seemed to be depleting as the end of our university years is getting nearer. I know this year had been a real tough one for you, going in and out of hospital, having to be separated from your friends, and also I know your biggest fear of being unable to graduate alongside your friends and I. And many other responsibilities that had given you stressful and sleepless nights. I've been there for you through all those bad times.
But I constantly feel ... disappointed.
This is something that had been reoccurring over and over again throughout the times we've been together. We never really solved the problem to its roots every time we fought.
I know that being in a relationship we're both each other's motivating factor and we have each other's back. But I'm beginning to feel that I'm carrying that load on the heavier end of the seesaw.
I worry a lot for you and I cannot stop myself from wanting to help you up, to make you become a better person. And that when I feel like you're not even putting your own effort, I get really upset. I know it's not right when I start doubting you and your capabilities. I hate that I'm questioning my own boyfriend.
I don't think it'd be possible for things to work out if you persist to be like that. I've been avoiding to say that because it's unfair and I don't want you to see that as a threat, another form of burden. I don't think a relationship would be happy like that.
I want us, I want you, but I really, really need you to convince me that you're worth the fight. Cause things are slipping away. And I don't know what to do.
