Inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale.

Hey world. I finished my internship three weeks ago. Long working hours are gone, for now at least. But I would certainly miss the vibrant and energetic people I've met over at Samsung and am thankful for the experiences I was given.

Now, the real deal comes in. What's next after degree? Do I have a plan? Am I gonna go travel? Am I gonna further study? Am I gonna get a great job at a renowned company?

Questions, all unanswered. Questions, being asked by every single person I've met. I'm not irritated by the questions. The more I open up about it, the more ideas and inspirations I hope to attain.

But really, can anyone tell me how do you plan your life out? I look at successful friends that I have who are involved in various projects, winning awards, going places, left wondering if they ever had a moment when they have no clue what they are doing or what they need to do next.

Cause I'm currently stuck in that moment. And it's breaking me apart. Funnily how that works, I come crashing down when I start being idled. And doesn't help when I get even more restrictions from my parents. More than ever.

I had so much to vent about when I began writing this post, but seemed to be lost at words now. I just ... constantly feel this pressure that I cannot fucked up in my life. Cannot afford to fail in anything that I do.

#myinfiniteblessings

Hi! My keyboard's getting dusty now that I'm only using it every once in a week. Sometimes I even type the wrong password on my laptop. I am THAT committed to my work, you have no idea.

So, I'm pretty happy this week because of numerous reasons. First of course, IT'S GON BE A LONG WEEKEND. And I get to sleep in an extra day woohoo! Additionally, I managed to find time out and had a Friday dinner date with Bryan!

ALSO - THE BIGGEST NEWS, that made me completely over the moon was ...

Results were announced. And, I am so so so, thankful to say that I'm graduating with First Class Honours! My research paper was also the highest of my batch, which made me so blown away when I saw them. It was a personal goal for me to achieve an average of 80% and above, and I DID IT.

This picture totally describes my overjoyed feeling.

ON THE VERY SAME DAY, Sunway Campus Services video was also released. Double the joy! So many friends and families were sharing and messaging me about it for days, telling me that I was real natural in acting (HA!). Though I can't deny I still feel odd seeing my face on the screen, BUT a good feeling nonetheless, teehee.

Turning into a workaholic

It had been such a crazy, crazy week. I haven't even been going home on time since the first day of work. Today was considerably early (or lucky I could say), and like you can see in the picture - it was already 730pm!

The amount of workload is over the top of my head to be honest. We write down our to-do list every day and as the day passes, more and more items would be added into the list. Sometimes it gets spilled over to the next day, and so on so forth.

I would write more about the things that I do at work when I feel like it or when I have more free time. Gotta run to sleep now, ciao.

(Also haven't slept so early and so consistently in like years! #accomplished)

Time to be a grown up I guess!

Today's my first day of internship.

I felt like a girl going on her first day of school, really. Picked out my bag, my clothes, even my pencil case.

Had been stationary in a very familiar and comfortable bubble for the past four years, time to explore a whole new world, I guess.

Yikes, definitely a lot of work to come. Hoping to blog at least once a week to record bits and pieces of this new journey!

Looking back!

Hey, it's day two of 365 - wait no! We've got a bonus day this year, cause it's a leap year (leaps in joy). Day two of 366, but I cannot usher into the new year without finishing this blog post of my 2015 in review!

So leggo, time to reflect on the lessons learnt and experiences gained over 2015. Been waiting to do so since the day I finished my research paper about two weeks ago, but too much had been going on. I haven't even had the time to really grasp the fact that I'm three months away from graduating.

AND TWO DAYS AWAY FROM MY FIRST JOB. Internship really, but still! (butterflies in stomach)

While we're still present in the New Years week, let me give you the highlights of my 2015.

I travelled to Lancaster, UK with my three other buds, representing as Sunway Cultural Exchange Programme Ambassador. 

This was a really big start to my year. I've been wanting to join the Lancaster Summer Exchange Programme since my first year, but because of financial constraints I knew I couldn't. Thankfully, I was nominated by my student council advisor (perks of being VP I guess hehe!) and I was selected, along with those three amazing people - Sammy, Nicole and Julian (from left to right in picture).

My family and I do travel overseas every once / two years, but this was a really big deal as I haven't travelled alone without them. So, felt that like I was really growing up. Ha.

I'm not gonna dwell onto the details of the trip, but I am blown away by the opportunity given nonetheless. And I got to drink, for the first time. That was pretty cool. I miss cheap alcohols.  

Along with the fun part of being an ambassador, there's also the work part - where we became hosts to the Lancaster students when they came over for the Summer Programme in Malaysia. I met many friends of different nationalities through hosting the Summer Programme. We organized activities for them across two weeks but as it fell within our study semester, we weren't able to spent a lot of time with them, which was a bummer! :(

From there, I made amazing, crazy friends through my Sunway-Lancaster buddies (Sulubuds, or as we called ourselves)! This fam bam makes the loudest of laughter wherever we go to. And I am absolutely thankful for their presence. I've actually known many of them, some originally just hi-bye friends, but I'm glad that we've gotten to know each other better now!

And, I ended my term as Vice President of Student Council. In Year Two, juggling between council's work and my studies was really hard. But I've learnt so much from the people I worked with, and I've also came to realize my strengths and weaknesses. I wouldn't have been able to obtain so many amazing opportunities if I didn't take that first step to join council. 

#thornsandrose

And tiny me.

I participated in the most historical protest - Bersih 4. It was my very first one as well. I'm generally afraid of huge crowds and conflicts. There were so many warnings and threats up till the day of the rally. Dad and I were also being pretty cautious, paying attention to the news, reading up / doing research on people's past experiences and things to bring. But I was so happy that I was a part of this big movement, standing up for what's right. I still remembered once I stepped off Masjid Jamek's KTM station, that energy - that high spirit you can feel it from all Malaysians, it's amazing. It gave me the feeling of hope and pride as well, knowing that people really want the best for Malaysia.

I also had the opportunity to become one of the three hosts for Sunway Campus Services video, which will be shown to freshies during orientations. Which also meant that my face would stay in Sunway, for at least another four to five years after I graduate. I decided to join super last minute. It took me so much of courage to send a embarrassing audition video, of me nearly choking up while recording with the sad lines provided. But I guess, I could proudly say that - hey, that's me leaving my legacy before I leave my university yay!

Full cast, with Than and Hizary. 

Full cast and crew!

Just recently, I finished the hardest - HARDEST assignment of my entire degree life, my research paper. I had about a week right after finals ended to touch up. Journals were scattered all over the table, and junk food as well. I stayed home, didn't wash my hair, had minimal amount of sleep. Broke down for so many times, not just within that one last week but throughout the course of working on my paper since the beginning of the semester. I really, dropped dead when I completed that 117 pages. Though I am extremely thankful that my interest in politics inspired me in my topic, or I wouldn't have enjoyed writing it as much. But - of course, still cannot deny the fact that it was SO TOUGH.

(reconsidering on further studies plan - ha)

Forget to take a picture of my research paper before submission, but here's one during my poster presentation - which also took hella lot of effort to design!

And to save the best for the last, as always ... Bryan and I made it through another year! Things were rocky at times. We had bad days, good days. But always, still so happy that we've made it to our third year mark. Juggling with crazy, hectic amount of work being in final year ain't easy. We had to plan things around our assignments. We go about days sometimes without being able to see each other even though we're both on campus. But, we try and try. Even if it was just a quick lunch, or just a walk back to my car at the end of the day, we always try :)

Some of the adventures we had together this year - 

Celebrated Bryan's 21st by going on a mini zoo date. 
Visited Bryan in hospital ... for quite a number of times. 

Finally went to Ipoh with Bryan, though mainly for work.
Explored new cafes! 
Attended our first TEDxKL. 

Had cooking dates since Bryan moved into his new unit. As if he bought it - ha. Nah, still renting.

Rescued Little One. Mainly Bryan really - I was just playing around with the kitty for most of the time. 

Celebrated my 21st with Bryan baking his VERY, FIRST, CAKE for me. For a first attempt, really ain't bad at all. Hehe.

And ... that's a wrap for 2015! Signing off, little sunshine :) 

I'm afraid

I'm afraid. I'm afraid to tell you. I don't think I've been entirely honest with you, us. Perhaps we've reached the stage in a relationship when things had settled down, hearts don't beat as fast anymore, and everything seemed ordinary and usual. And you start picking on flaws, imperfections.

I've been wanting to tell you, but I've also been having a hard time looking for a right timing. There never is though, there never will be a right timing. We're always on the rush for some assignments or (already) drowned in emotions, either that or the moments were too perfect that I simply did not want to ruin it.

But I think this feeling has been creeping up to me too much lately, it's getting unhealthy. And I don't think it's fair for me to hide it from you. Cause I sincerely want to work things out. It's not like I'm saying I don't want us anymore, I do.

I don't know if I mentioned this to you before but I feel like we're trying to balance on this uneven see-saw. And it's slipping. It feels like it's about to topple over.

We are different in a lot of ways. Lately, I find myself thinking a lot about what my parents said. I truly hate that because I'm becoming a hypocrisy. But I guess I'm seeing some sense in what they said. Is it wrong for me to say that I deserve the best person that I can be with? Not the perfect person, but the best.

I feel guilt overwhelming me if I were to say those words out loud.

I'm afraid because I know that what I'm about to say will hurt you. And it kills me to do this. It takes tons of amount of courage to do this. But really, the only reason I want to tell you is because I'm still holding dearly onto us and I want things to get better. Because, I know that right now - I'm not ... happy. I'm not as happy as before.

Across these years, I feel like you've changed and the energy, spirit that you used to have seemed to be depleting as the end of our university years is getting nearer. I know this year had been a real tough one for you, going in and out of hospital, having to be separated from your friends, and also I know your biggest fear of being unable to graduate alongside your friends and I. And many other responsibilities that had given you stressful and sleepless nights. I've been there for you through all those bad times.

But I constantly feel ... disappointed.

This is something that had been reoccurring over and over again throughout the times we've been together. We never really solved the problem to its roots every time we fought.

I know that being in a relationship we're both each other's motivating factor and we have each other's back. But I'm beginning to feel that I'm carrying that load on the heavier end of the seesaw.

I worry a lot for you and I cannot stop myself from wanting to help you up, to make you become a better person. And that when I feel like you're not even putting your own effort, I get really upset. I know it's not right when I start doubting you and your capabilities. I hate that I'm questioning my own boyfriend.

I don't think it'd be possible for things to work out if you persist to be like that. I've been avoiding to say that because it's unfair and I don't want you to see that as a threat, another form of burden. I don't think a relationship would be happy like that.

I want us, I want you, but I really, really need you to convince me that you're worth the fight. Cause things are slipping away. And I don't know what to do.

I choose you

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. 
No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. 
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice."